daturameloxia | seasons inbox

No. A sign that you equate any kind of harm the same as the worst harm you have ever experienced.

And that isn't good because it means anytime you are hurt, you will always take it to the extreme, and there is no way to have a healthy relationship if that's the only way you can view harm.

The status of yours and MK's relationship has a lot of moving parts, most of them not in my control. Those parts have to settle before I talk to you about all my concerns personally about the relationships.

That stops the panic attack. Did the emotions that started it go away? And what if you had run away first?

What if he runs away first?

[Wylan shakes his head firmly.]

No. I am… being assertive. And I a m saying that you calling me incapable sounds like him! In this moment in time! You sound like him! I am not trying to hurt you or go to the extreme! I feel in this moment that you are talking like him! Why won’t you listen to me?

And why would MK run away? We already talked. Why do you want this to end? He’s good for me! I’m happy with him!

Because its hard to listen to someone when they choose to hurt you instead of talk to you.

If you feel I'm talking down to you, say I'm talking down to you. If you want to be seen as capable, we can talk about what that actually means. Deciding that I am like the sperm donor when I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you does what exactly?

It hurts me.

And it makes you believe I'm like him even though we both know I'm not. The more you insist I'm like him, the less you'll see me as a different person, and that doesn't help either one of us, and you know that Wylan. I want to be your dad, but I can't be that if you won't let me act like a good dad.

And unfortunately sometimes a parent has to give their kid the hard truths. Because being a parent is about guidance and unfortunately that means sometimes you do have to have some growing pains. Not because I have you beaten up, but because I have to have an uncomfortable and emotionally tense conversation with you.

And let's be fair, has your father ever sat down to actually have a conversation with you?

And MK would run away because that is one of the many, many, many unfortunate ways you are alike.

Edited 2025-01-03 17:42 (UTC)

No. He hasn’t. But I do feel you’re talking down to me, Wash. I do.

He wouldn’t run. He didn’t run when I was spiraling. He stayed with me and helped me slow my breathing. If he’d wanted to run, he could have done so then.

Edited 2025-01-03 17:47 (UTC)

Then say that. Don't say the thing you know hurts. If I hadn't been ready for you to pull that card, that would have been a lot more upsetting.

Because you do it a lot.

I also feel like you don't want to take any of my concerns seriously, which just makes them a lot worse.

Because MK wouldn't run because you're having a bad time alone, Wylan. But if he's stressed? If he's upset? He will run away. Not everytime, but he does it often. Just like you're trying to now. If I was having a panic attack, you'd stay and try and help me, right? But not when you are.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I related you two. I do want to talk about relationships, but I don’t want to be talked down to in the process. Or imply things about who I’m currently dating.

I haven’t run yet. I might be close, but I’m trying to talk to you about how I feel MK won’t run.

Unfortunately, this is a growing pains talk because this is a brand new kind of conversation to go through, but its important, because you have tendencies and while I think MK, as a person, is great, but I also know you both pretty well and I have grave concerns.

And you can feel he won't run away.

His history says otherwise.

Literally the other day says otherwise.

Grave concerns about him or me?

[He’s prepared to hear how insufficient he is, he’s had dressing downs before.]

What do you mean he ran away just the other day?

Honestly? Both of you, but you are my priority. I'll break MK's heart a million times if I can avoid breaking yours once. I don't want to, and I am going to do my absolute best to make this the least painful as possible, but I can take hurting MK far easier than you.

He's the one who broke up with Macaque when Macaque was less than enthusiastic about you two.

Don’t break his heart. Please? You can break mine instead. Please don’t hurt him

We talked about that. I feel terrible about it.

I don't want to. But the situation is messy. And the only way, literally the only way to get through the situation is having hard conversations. Leaving things unsaid will only cause a lot more hurt later.

[So the question is, is he still struggling with Argon?]

Did you? And what did you figure out from the conversation?

Other than apologies. They were a lot, right?

[Argon is trying to alert at Wylan, who seems to be having difficulty breathing.]

I want to be with him, but I hate that it’s upset Macaque.

Should I… [Macaque lives in the main house so.] Should I leave? Would it it help Macaque if he didn’t see me?

[Which he doesn’t mean as a way to run, but to make life easier for Macaque, even if it would quietly break Wylan’s heart to no longer be allowed in this warm, beautiful home.]

Wylan, thinking of running away again.

But now that you are talking with me, I can slow down a bit.

So I need you to breathe, son. [He reaches for a hand, giving a light squeeze for a four count.]

Oh, right. Sorry.

[He’s trying to think of anything to help. He’s dazed until he feels Wash’s hand on his, helping him.

How could he have ever compared Wash to his father?]

I can’t breathe.

Gonna see if this helps. [He lets go of his hand to move under his arms, moving to lift them up.] Raise your arms, it opens up your diaphragm, more space to get air in.

Now try to breathe with me. [He holds up a hand, moving fingers to four as he breathes in, holds, then out with another four.]

[The change in position does seem to open up additional air. It still requires doing the breathing exercise and Argon easing him down to the ground.]

I’m sorry. [He’s still breathless.] You’re nothing like him. I’m so sorry. I didn’t want any of this to happen.

I know.

We know.

Macauqe isn't mad at you. Part of his struggle was he didn't want to hurt you, but didn't know how to do it without twisting himself into a knot.

Because you know, I'm dating him, and you're my kid.

But he doesn't blame you. You frankly don't owe him anything.

MK does and that's something they have to work through.

[Argon is in Wylan’s lap and Wylan keeps trying to do the structured breathing as he talk.]

Please don’t hurt MK, dad.

I am not making a promise because MK is going to get some hard conversations, it just depends what kind and from who.

I'm not going to physically assault him.

But I can't pretend my concerns don't exist and they have to be addressed at the start.

But that is a conversation I would want him present for. I want to talk relationships with you and I think this is a very, very important question.

Wylan, do you think there is a single relationship out there that doesn't have pain?

[Wylan nods through Wash’s words and as his breathing evens out, he’s able to answer Wash’s question.]

I fought with Jesper before the Temple. I saw Inej and Kaz come close to what they wanted and then shied away. Matthias died in Nina’s arms. Nevermind my own mother and Alys.

I have seen so much pain in relationships, Wash. But I know there are also happy moments.

Yes, and those happy moments count.

But its important to be able to have the small fights and the big fights and recover. While also making sure to not leave things to fester and wrought.

Tell me about the fight with Jesper. What it was about, how it was resolved, how you felt about it.

He found out I couldn’t read. I was ashamed and I avoided him. He kept telling me I shouldn’t be ashamed because of one reason or another and it finally boiled over on a job.

It resolved because we both realized that our shames should not define us.

So he pursued you and tried to comfort you.

Did you comfort him about his shame?

I did, yes. We comforted each other.

Okay. So that is how you deal when other things hurt you.

What about when you hurt each other?

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